love me Tinder

“When you use Tinder, you get a whore. What did you expect? That’s who uses that app” she said matter-of-factly.

Great opening line I know, but let me back up a bit.

Walter walked into the adult book store and was immediately surprised. Not by the breathtakingly large variety of dildos and vibrators that lined the back wall but by the fact that Elvis was playing in the background. He wasn’t sure what he expected but it certainly didn’t expect the King.

Ann watched him walk in with the same indifference that she watched all the customers walk in. She watched him take a small shopping basket and begin to wander up and down the aisles, occasionally stopping to add something to the quickly-filling basket. Finally he approached her at checkout.

“Got everything you need?” she asked in a tone that suggested the last thing in the world she cared about was if he had gotten everything needed.

“I’m not sure actually…” he replied.

She looked him up and down. He seemed harmless enough to engage in conversation. “Can I help you with something?” she finally inquired.

“I’m not sure. I’m a bit new at this” and with that he plopped down his basket in front of her. It held a cornucopia of sex toys and bondage accessories.

“Wow” was all she could get out.

“You see… I met this girl and she’s a bit of a freak.”

“I see” she said as she began to unload the treasure trove of perverted items and ring them up. Walter was fumbling with his wallet and finally pulled out a credit card.

“It’s a gift card. From my mother. It would kill her to know I was using it at an adult book store.” They both laughed.

Ann stopped ringing things up and looked at him. “Was there a question you wanted to ask?”

“Hi. I’m Walter” he began and extended his hand across the counter. She looked at it for a moment and then shook it briefly.

“I’m Ann. I always wanted to spell it with an E at the end but it’s just A N N. Seems like a lot of trouble to change your name just to add a silent letter, you know what I mean?”

“I would have never known, if that makes you feel better. You look like an Anne.  I guess if you wanted to be Annie it would be worth the trouble but I see what you mean about going from Ann to Anne” he said, seemingly genuinely interested.

“So Walter” she continued, “About this girl, this freak, where did you meet her?”

He hesitated a moment then said “On Tinder” in a slightly embarrassed tone.

“When you use Tinder, you get a whore. What did you expect? That’s who uses that app” she said matter-of-factly.

“My brother met his wife there” he countered.

She refused to continue down that road, instead zeroing in on trying to help. “What is she into?” she asked.

“I’m not sure, hence the variety of items. Going to cast a wide net.”

“Why not call her up and ask her what she’s into?” Ann, who wanted to be Anne, asked.

Walter answered “She’s tied up at the moment” and then smiled almost to himself. Almost. He smiled a tiny bit at Ann, just enough for her to realize that something was up.

Finally his smile turned into a full-blown laugh. “She’s actually tied up. Right now. Back at her place. When I took her home she asked me to handcuff her to the bed. I didn’t know what to do… I panicked. So after handcuffing her I stuck her dog’s chew toy in her mouth, put packing tape around her head so she couldn’t yell and drove straight here.”

“That Walter” she said, “Was a terrible idea.” They both laughed.

“You’re an ‘experienced’ girl right? Tell me what I should do” he half said, half pleaded.

“Experienced? What do you mean by that?” and then, before he could answer she barreled on, “You assume because I work here I’m a whore too? I hate to shatter your illusions Walter but I’m a psych student putting myself through college. I work here because it’s a fascinating place to watch how people really behave.”

“I didn’t mean any offense” Walter stammered.

She stared at him for a few moments, letting him sweat a bit, then laughed. “None taken. It’s a common mistake. Comes with the job. I view myself more like those nature photographers that document things without participating in them.”

“It’s funny you said that. Just last night I watched a documentary about elephants. There was a family of them and there was this giant drought in Africa and all of us viewers got to watch a baby elephant starve to death. It was gruesome. I was screaming at the TV for the cameraman to get a fucking bale of hay and a bucket of water and break whatever oath they took not to interfere.”

She absorbed what he’d said for a moment then asked “Are you saying I should go on a date with you?”

He absorbed what she’s said for a moment and replied “I guess….?”

“Good. I get off in fifteen minutes.”

“What about the girl I have tied up?”

“The Tinder whore?” asked Ann mockingly, “What about her? She’ll probably enjoy being handcuffed to a bed overnight.” She laughed. He didn’t look convinced.

“And you won’t be needing this stuff” she said, sweeping it all back into the basket.

He looked slightly disappointed.

She smiled at him and winked. “I have my own.”

Elvis sang in the background;

Love me tender, love me true
All my dreams fulfill
For my darling I love you
And I always will